as we promised a couple weeks ago, we’d like to post every few days one of the questions we didn’t have time for during our panel discussion on Aug 28th with married folks from within our community.
WIthout further ado, question 1: “what is the ONE piece of advice you have for singles wanting to get married?”
Malia Nompone wrote @
Wait upon the Lord for His perfect timing…only He knows when, where, and how…and what He has for you and your future spouse. You will find that He really did have the Best in mind for you when He asked you to wait!
pclafferty wrote @
I think I would add that the extent to which you allow the fear of being lonely to propel you toward marriage is the degree to which you can deceive yourself into making unwise decisions. Place all the blame you want on church or culture for so elevating marriage that you feel like a second-class citizen as a single adult. But unless wisdom, prayer, and community are all applied to one’s decision to marry, you run an even greater risk of allowing fear guide one of the most important decisions you might ever make. To be clear, the fear of which I speak is a negative fear: a fear that thinks any hope of joy is bound up entirely and exclusively with a given person I’m considering for lifelong partnership.
To think that is to place the LORD in the proverbial box.
Sara Call wrote @
Marriage is work.
That doesn’t sound encouraging, but it’s true. Out of the 3 marriage books I skimmed before I got married, the one thing that they all emphasized was having “low expectations.”
Doesn’t that sound awful at first?
The reason we need these low expectations for marriage is that we like to put marriage up on a pedestal with angels singing and rays of light shining down from heaven upon it.
A marriage is a relationship, a relationship we can’t leave because it’s hard or the other person is unloving or has smelly feet or *gasp* sinful. Relationships are difficult because if we have them, then we are letting people know us and if they know us, they can hurt us.
Trusting God and clinging to Him is essential in marriage and in singleness. Either way, we already know that the most beautiful and trustworthy of all men is Christ. Everyone else WILL let us down, but not Christ.
The fairytales are wrong AND right. We shouldn’t look for a “Prince Charming” (guys stay with me here) to fulfill all our needs and dreams; but as believers, we know that there is a Prince (the Charming-est) and we already know know Him, who has made payment for our sin and conquered death to bring us near to Him. What more could we need? What greater love can there be? It is unrealistic and unChristian to expect a man, or a woman, to fulfill our deepest needs–which have been met by Christ himself.
Recognize that whether you are single or married, you are called to use your time and energy to become a better image-bearer of God in all spheres of life. Don’t make the mistake that so many in our evangelical culture do of thinking happiness begins at marriage. (But conversely, don’t think it’s the end of happiness either!) You will still be much the same person single or married, you just add another person in the mix 24/7. Use the time you have as a single person (and later as a married person) to cultivate your soul in all that entails so that you can truly be who God intended you to be.
I realize that may seem like a bit of an overly broad, generic answer…so maybe I’ll add a second more specific piece of advice for singles. In your zeal to be married, don’t make the mistakes of the two extremes: 1) settling for a relationship that is unhealthy or that lacks vision for accomplishing something greater together than what you could do alone or 2) being too critical of the boyfriend/girlfrien and missing out on a great relationship. We all have flaws, and God has called us to graciously love one another in Christ, spurring each other on towards greater holiness but accepting one another in our weaknesses as well.
I love the attitude my husband Jon had when we were dating. He told me, “I have no idea where this is going to lead, but whatever happens, I want us both to feel good about it at the end of the day. I want us to look out for one another, respect each other, and challenge each other to become better people. If we ever do break up, I want you to be confident that you were able to have a healthy relationship without compromising yourself or your convictions in any way.” If only all dating relationships could follow through with that approach!